Welcome friend,

join the circle of trust.

All settled in the circle? Good.

I have a declaration.

I love movies. A good movie can blow your hair back, lie heavy on your thoughts, surface in your speech with a little “Here’s Johnny!”, and sit with you on a cloudy day like an old friend. You wanna talk film–let’s pull out The Long, Hot Summer (1958) and watch Orson Welles drawl his way to an Oscar; or sit down while the yellow pavement lines streak by in Cameron’s Terminator (1984). I don’t need much on a Saturday afternoon, just Andy Dufresne “crawling through five-hundred yards of foulness” in the Shawshank Redemption (1994). 

In the words of Jerry Maguire’s mission statement, “These are the things we think and do not say.”

There’s something wrong with movies today. 99.99999999% of the movies that come out today SUCK! There’s no other word (well maybe there is, but this just sounds so good) movies today are a drain on your time, patience, intelligence, and money. It’s all been done before (but wait, we really did need Transporter/Transformers 2 and 3); the lack of diversity is sickening (have you noticed how “Black music” is starting to replace Black people?); 3D is the death of modern film (cuz God knows it just elevated the masterpiece that was Clash of the Titans); and the majority of characters on the screen today are so one-dimensional that they could be played by monkeys. Seriously. Monkeys.

John Luc Goddard says film is dead. Let me kill the suspense, it isn’t. However, it ain’t looking too good.

So what’s a cinephile to do? (cinephile=any man, woman, boy, or girl with a pulse and avid interest in film) Well, the first step is to stop walking out of movies 20 minutes in, storming up to the counter and demanding: a) Your money back and an apology from the manager for showing filth in his theater, or b) Four passes to any movie  currently in theaters, while you silently vow never to return until they do “Spotlight on the Oldies” and show Casablanca or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

But maybe that’s just me.

The second step is even easier than arguing with the 12-year old manager at your local theater. Stop watching crappy movies. Got a recommendation from your friend Bob who can’t pick a movie (or a direction in life?) Just say no! Do you see Judd Apatow’s (Yeah, I said it) name anywhere in the trailer? Just say no! Are there more celebrities involved than a Los Angeles car accident? JUST SAY NO! Come on, face it…

Everybody needs a little MovieAngel on their shoulder.


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