Dear Ms. Gabrielle Allan and Jennifer Crittenden, writers of the film What’s Your Number (2011):
YOUR MOVIE SUCKS!
Thank you. No, really. Thank you for wasting 2 hours of my life, $7.50 (matinee!!) of my money, and $4.00 worth of gas, but like the Visa commercial, I came away with some priceless information: you are totally and completely clueless when it comes to writing women.
Anna Faris IS funny (this, incidentally, was my mantra as I left the theater). See: Scary Movie, Just Friends, Lost in Translation, etc. Unfortunately, she often makes poor film decisions. See (or don’t): My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Observe and Report, and The House Bunnies.
Chris Evan is a solid actor. He makes interesting Indie choices; see: Sunshine and Puncture. He has a couple of good action flicks under his belt: The Losers and Cellular (betcha thought I was gonna mention Captain America, huh? I wouldn’t touch that steaming pile with a ten-foot pole). Unfortunately, he also makes poor film decisions; avoid: Push, Fantastic Four, and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
So ladies, with solid leads and (usually) decent supporting actors (Blythe Danner, Heather Burns, Joel McHale) I am left to conclude that the fault lies with you.
Ally Darling (Anna Faris) is thirty-ish and living in Boston (shot to look like New York City). She’s just been fired from her job in marketing (Don’t worry, she’s not really concerned so neither are we) and is fixated on an article in Marie Claire (or as I like to call it, “not-Vogue”) Said article, which will be referred to 100 times in the movie states that women who sleep with 20 or more men are less likely to be married. She makes a list and discovers (gasp) she’s at 19!! Using the logic of a two-year old (square peg-round hole sweetheart), she decides to revisit each of the losers on her list and see if there wasn’t really something there. But wait, she isn’t alone on her moronic quest, she has the help of her womanizing neighbor Colin (Chris Evans), an aspiring musician who plays butt-rock when he’s not using women like Kleenex. Together, they stalk these unsuspecting dolts while she plays second-fiddle to her sister Sheila (Ari Graynor- the drunk girl in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist) who is getting married.
That’s it. Really.
The female friends in this movie (Heather Burns, Eliza Coupe, Kate Simses, and Tika Sumpter) are jokes. One-dimensional airheads that could have been replaced mid-production with: a water cooler, a cactus, a tire, and an egg–and I wouldn’t have really noticed. Their conversations, which couldn’t pass for “girl-talk” among hookers, had all the charm of a Discovery channel documentary on sex or a cheap porno.
This movie neither deserves nor earns it R-rating. Ladies, let’s just call it quits on this one. May I recommend these instead: Working Girl (Melanie Griffith gets the guy AND a job); There’s Just Something About Mary (another funny blonde, this time with good lines); Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, and Clueless. That will be all.
Kisses and Hugs,
P.S. Does anybody else remember those old-school PSAs about sexual exposure (you have sex with one person and you’re really having sex with all the people who they’ve had sex with)? Well that’s all that I could think about during the movie (believe me, there was nothing on the screen occupying my attention). So I found an online chart that only went up to 12 partners (wow, Ally, they didn’t even think you’d get that far) and the number of people you’re exposed to is…..drumroll….4095!! So, I guess the movie should have ended with Ally getting tested.