Shia LaBeouf, Transformers 3:Dark of the Moon, cinester.wordpress.com

When Shia wasn't crying in front of a green screen, this was his main expression

Dear Michael Bay (Director), and Ehren Kruger (Writer), Steven Spielberg (Shame on you–Producer), and Shia LaBeouf:

Your Movie Sucks!!!

I was tricked into watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009). Somebody promised me that there were still decent action scenes to be had and less overall screen time for one Megan Fox. They lied. Accordingly, I went into Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) with my eyes wide open.  Sure the film’s been out for a while (DVD release date: 9/30/11), but I’m perfectly content to wait for a crappy film to hit Redbox, or better still, pop up on FX at 7:00pm on a Sunday night.

Why didn’t someone stop me?

The movie begins with a shot of Rosie Hungtington-Whiteley’s butt. Then lingers there. For five minutes. Oh Michael, you are oh so classy my good man. Rosie, my dear, you’re very attractive, but perhaps there

is a reason that photos are silent. Every time you opened your mouth, you might as well have been saying “sex” over and over again; I know it’s not your fault (covert finger-pointing to the Bay-ster over there). I will say that I admire your (and your stunt double’s) ability to run in skinny jeans and five-inch stiletto heels. You are a better woman than I.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Transformers 3, cinester.wordpress.com

It's hard work being objectified isn't it, Rosie?

The Director Whose Popcorn Films Have Gone Stale

Michael, you are the director that everyone loves to hate, but it’s not because you aren’t talented. You have a flair for stylized action films. I enjoyed Bad Boys (1995) and the Island (2005)when Scarlett Johansson wasn’t speaking–the first Transformers (2007) and about five minutes of Bad Boys 2 (2003). And, I admit, I will occasionally watch the last 20 minutes of Armageddon (1998) with my mother.

The problem is that you’re too busy filming the top of the latest Victoria’s Secret model’s leopard print thong, and blowing CGI cities to smithereens to cobble together a decent narrative in your films. The times when you do (see above-mentioned films) the results are decent and, (for the most part) entertaining popcorn films. 

Spielberg, stop producing crappy films. If you wouldn’t touch a film with a 10-foot pole, let alone get close enough to direct it, then don’t put your name behind it. Come on, you didn’t see Orson Welles’ producing stuff like Test Tube Babies (1948).  Note: These statements also apply to your production credits on Real Steel (2011), and the television show, Terra Nova. You’re better than this.

Ehren Kruger, every time you put pen to paper, I’m sure that somewhere a great screenplay dies. It wasn’t enough that you wrote the second Transformers, but you had to come in and pen the third. The conversation in this film was so thin that it was virtually invisible. The bad guys sounded like Villains from a Disney film.

I could say more, but I’ve put together a movie commentary for the film that I’m attaching below. This follows the film exactly, so it’s meaningless unless you play up the DVD to watch along.

(If you can’t play the link through the player, download the original file above)

Kisses and Hugs,
The MovieAngel

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3 responses »

  1. filmdrivel says:

    My favourite line.”Ehren Kruger, every time you put pen to paper, I’m sure that somewhere a great screenplay dies”

    great rant, enjoyed that!

    • movieangel1 says:

      Thanks! I’m a fan of Mark Kermode and he did a pretty brilliant rant on the film as well. I’ve been reading your “looking forward to” list and I’m definitely crossing my fingers for Ridley Scott, I hope he delivers, we need some good sci-fi!

  2. filmdrivel says:

    Yeah i love kermode as well, his Transformers reviews are always a laugh. I seem to remember the video review of one of them was just him banging his head against a wall

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